This is a response for my “Ask Anna” series to a question I received:
“I had a blow-up with my partner yesterday. Later, I said I was sorry, but they are still cold and distant. I feel like I’ve done my part. Why isn’t it enough?”
I was facilitating a mediation in Paris last winter, in a small conference room overlooking the grey zinc rooftops of the 11th arrondissement. Two co-founders, let’s call them Julien and Camille, hadn’t spoken properly in three weeks.
Julien, the CEO, looked exhausted. He gestured toward his partner with genuine frustration. “I don’t understand why we are still stuck here,” he said. “I apologized for the email. I said I was sorry three times. What else is there to do?”
Camille sat across from him, looking at the rain against the window. She wasn’t angry anymore; she was indifferent. That is always the harder place to come back from.
I asked Julien to tell me exactly what he had said to her.
“I said I was sorry about the confusion with the client,” he replied. “I said I wanted to put this behind us.”
In that moment, I understood why Camille was still looking at the window. Julien wasn’t apologizing for his actions; he was apologizing for the mess. He was using “I’m sorry” as a way to fast-forward through the discomfort. He wanted to be forgiven so the tension would stop and he could feel like a good partner again.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches that a true apology isn’t about asking for forgiveness; it’s about validating the other person’s reality. To do that effectively, I asked Julien to try again using four specific ingredients.
First, the Fact. He needed to name exactly what happened, not the vague “confusion.” He took a breath, looked at Camille, and said, “I sent the proposal to the client without showing it to you first, even though we agreed to review it together.”
Second, the Effect. He had to articulate how that landed on her. “I imagine that undermined your authority with the team and made you feel like I don’t value your strategic input.” Camille turned from the window. Her shoulders dropped.
Third, the Responsibility. No “buts,” no “I was stressed.” He said simply, “I did that because I was impatient, and that was disrespectful. That is on me.”
Fourth, the Repair. “Next time, I won’t hit send until we have a confirmation call.”
Camille didn’t smile immediately, but she uncrossed her arms and finally looked him in the eye. The indifference was gone. She didn’t need his regret; she needed to know that he understood exactly what he had broken.
We often think an apology is rejected because the other person is being stubborn. But usually, the coldness remains because the “sorry” sounded less like an offering and more like a request for silence. It sounds like, “I feel bad that you feel bad, so please stop feeling bad so I can stop feeling bad.”
Real repair happens when we stop trying to manage the other person’s reaction and start validating their reality. Try going back to your partner without asking for forgiveness. Just tell them you understand what you did, how it landed, and what you’re going to do differently.
I’d love to hear from you. Please comment with your own experiences, share your stories with me, and send your questions so that we can explore them together next time.
I’m Anna Lecat, researcher and author of Loving Conflict. You can find more of my work at annalecat.com.